When I lived in the US, everything was “awesome” and “amazing” and “perfect” and “mind-blowing” and “incredible”. Or it was “awful”, “horrendous”, “criminal”, “terrible”, etc. “It’s fine” meant that one didn’t really like something. Even saying “it’s good” meant it wasn’t good enough for one’s standards.

It took a stint in Europe to start tempering and measuring my words. “Good” finally became good again. “It’s fine” started to mean “I’m comfortable. Don’t worry about it”. It came as a shock that complaining about my food was considered bad manners, unless there was something horribly wrong with it. “Horribly wrong” by European standards, not American.

And yet over time I started to note the difference. Yes, the Americans were the uber friendly ones. But they were also overly passionate about everything and anything. Their language was extreme whether happy or unhappy about something. Whereas the Europeans felt calm and content in every situation (except maybe some Italians ;)).

Fast forward a few years, and some doses of eastern and stoic philosophies, I can now see the difference in how our words can polarize and add to the drama cycle, or by tempering them we can defuse the drama or avoid it from ever starting. While also voicing our displeasure at any situation and getting a real problem fixed.

Loud voices and extreme words only trigger louder voices and more extreme words on the other side. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. A basic foundation of physics and philosophy. We can see the proof of this in how polarized our politics have become here in Pakistan or even in the US. No one, absolutely no one, likes to be made into a villain. If we make them into the villain, then we have already lost control of the situation. No one will negotiate with us, or try to understand our point of view,, or try to come up with a solution to resolve the situation, if we paint them black. Instead, their ego will be bruised, and they will leap up in defence. And once they are in defensive mode, they are fighting for survival, not for resolution. For them, now we are the villain.

If we cannot differentiate the sin from the sinner, if we paint everything and everyone as black and white, if we add to the drama, we will do more harm than good in this world. Even when trying to do good.

When even the people I like and respect use words like “he should be hanged” about politicians, criminals and businessmen alike there is something really wrong. In fact, most people around me seem to be “fighting for something”, “at war against something”, etc. That means someone else has been made into an enemy, even if the cause is reasonable and just. You may say “why do words matter?” Well, words are what drive the drama, the hate, the “otherization” in the situation. And when we make people into “the other”, into the villain, suddenly all sorts of violence seems ok against them.

Temper your passion too. Don’t be so uber passionate about something that you can’t listen to a different point of view. Don’t be so passionate about something that you don’t have a 1% doubt in your mind. If you don’t entertain the 1% doubt in your mind, you will be willing to do or condone wrongful acts against those with a different opinion or those on the side-lines. Wrongful acts against their reputation, livelihood, peace of mind, property, life, body, etc. Wrongful acts that include spreading lies about them or in extreme cases, even violence.

Avoid words like “If you’re not with us, you’re against us”. No! Things are not black and white. And the more passionate you are about something, the more black and white something seems to you, the more closed you are to the complex grey truth. And the more those with more power than you can rile you up with their words to harm “the other”.

Don’t allow yourself to be a pawn in someone else’s game. Temper your words and your passion so you can’t be a pawn in someone else’s game.

Reduce the number of things you are passionate about too. Do you really have the energy to fight every wrong in the world? Is the wrong even wrong, or just our flawed point of view? Is “the other” really evil with no iota of good in them, or are they just flawed humans just like us? Yes, just like us! After all, good people do bad things every day. We are living proof of that.

Ignore the news, ignore the politics, stop commenting on articles with sarcastic, angry or hate-filled comments. Just start focusing on your work and see how much more impact you make once you have stopped being distracted by the useless chatter and drama around you.

Believe in your own fallacy. Believe in your own ignorance. Be humble. Temper your words and your passion. And maybe, just maybe the drama around you will decrease. Maybe, just maybe, the polarization around us will start to fade.